Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
