PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
