oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
