If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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