Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
