Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Drunk is not a location!
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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