After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
