He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
