Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
