I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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