Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
