When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
My ATM looks so different sober.
We are two peas in an std pod
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
