i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
