I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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