Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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