Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
