Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
are you so shy because you have an std?
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
