Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
