I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
