And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
