Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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