he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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