and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I wish there were birth control emojis
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
