Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
