Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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