I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
