I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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