worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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