i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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