This is not my ceiling
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
