im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Randomize
