why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
