do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
