all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
