I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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