Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
