Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
