I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
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