Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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