I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I understand Curling. That high.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
