I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
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