my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Randomize
