He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
