mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
