Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Randomize
