Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
