I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
