Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
So apparently I’m into choking now
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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