Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
