I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Randomize
