I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Randomize
